Good Cop the grandparents, Bad Cop the parents. Inconsistency in parenting and how to deal with it.

Do you sometimes feel that ever since your parents or in-laws have been promoted to grandparents, their disciplinary methods and ideals on bringing up a child change too?

I was having a heated conversation with my mother in the car the other day, about encouraging my children to eat their breakfast/lunch/dinner without the need for the television to be running. We have very strict rules over television watching at home. Most days, our boys are only allowed to about an hour of screen time. That too, what they watch are highly filtered by us. We only allow age appropriate shows that portray the correct educational and moral values.

So our debate started when I complained about how my sons are taking a ridiculously long time to finish their meals these days. They refuse to remain seated, and would rather play catch with food stored in their mouths for the longest times. I have tried all kinds of methods to hasten their chewing speeds, like buying fun types of spoons, singing catchy chewy songs together and even rewarding every meal with raisins, fruits and jelly but all has failed quite miserably.

My mother then went on to say then maybe I should let them watch television during mealtime, because that at least would keep them seated and perhaps get them to eat a little faster too. I went from half asleep, to all awake in five seconds. Did I just hear my mother, the disciplinarian mistress tell me to allow my children to eat and watch television at the same time? This was the same woman who kept me in the kitchen, away from all toys and the television until I finished every spoonful of my meal. I think I was deprived of playtime for a good half of the day every single day just because I was a slow eater. To think she was capable of even suggesting that I should close both eyes and relent to screen time during mealtimes. Whatever happened to being firm and consistent with our parenting ways?

My husband and I both parent in the same consistent and firm manner. We are what you call authoritative parents, we establish rules and guidelines that our children are expected to follow. However, we are democratic in the way that we are often responsive to our children's concerns and needs. Of course, we try our very best each time to negotiate and come to terms where both parties are happy. For example, our sons eat their dinner and we reward them with something that they would like to indulge in thereafter. It is a win-win situation for us all.

I still see no need in relenting to screen time during mealtimes, and I refuse to budge despite my mother's reasoning especially in our household. I know for a fact that she indulges the kids with screen time during mealtimes when they are over at her place, and there is little I can do when I am not around physically. It disturbs me that my children are granted leniency each time they are away from me, because it would mean that there is inconsistency in their disciplining methods which leaves them confused and ultimately misbehaving thinking that they can get away with it. Luckily, this only happens twice a week for when I drop them off for a wee bit of school time.

Of course, my parents are not the only grandparents who are guilty of this. My parents-in-law are too. Then again, which grandparent does not ultimately spoil their grandchildren? It is like grandparents have an innate tendency to play good cop, while the parents remain the bad cop. So, what can we do to help inconsistency in parenting styles with different caretakers?

1. Pick your battles
Know when to fuss over these disciplinary details. How often your child is in contact with them and how strong the bond is plays a part in how much the child will lean towards the discipline actions. So if like me, your kids only get the occasional bending of rules while at granny's place, just learn to live and let live. It's easier to keep the relationship healthy between parent and grandparent.

2. Enforce rules, but be willing to bend some of them... sometimes.
It is crucial in letting your child know that rules are important and a way of life. Children need people who set rules and eventually rules that they know they can depend on because that is how they value expectations and build social standards. It is good for children to know that while there are certain rules that cannot be broken, there is a time and place for negotiations in certain situations. Explaining that you are aware there is a deviation from the norm lets kids know that the change in schedule is not random and that you ultimately decide whether there is basis for negotiation.

A mother's day tribute to the one and only who showed me how a mother should be.

It is said that a mother-daughter bond is something that is so sacred it is the treasure of her life. I am living testament to that. I am the only child, and of course only daughter my mother has. We have been through the ups and downs of life, in all twenty-eight years since I have been born. She was a mother, a father and everything in between that a child needed.

Since I was born, my father had been non-existent. Fast-forward six years, he finally left us without a word, leaving my mother to single-handedly bring me up with no wealth to her name, but only a roof over our head. There were times, we would walk to the shop to buy a loaf of bread with the only two dollar note she had left. Even then, she gave me the entire loaf so that I did not have to go hungry. There were nights we had our electricity cut off because my non-existent dad left us with nothing but a mountain high of debts. I remember my mother cuddling me in her arms, with only a candle lighting the dark room telling me that as long as we had each other, there was no darkness we could not live in. When she finally sorted herself out from the pain and misery of having lost a husband, she worked so hard to give me the wonderful life that she said I deserved. Gone were the days we had no money, no food, and no light. She made everything happen only because she was a mother. A mother who loved her child more than anything in the world.

To date, I would always credit my resilience, independence, warmth and optimism to my mother. The only woman in my life that has taught me the very meaning of life, and being a family. It is amazing how a mother would go through hell and back only to bring meaning and joy to a child, asking for absolutely nothing in return.

It is very cliche, but really, I am literally nothing without my mother. At this moment, all I ask for is for many more healthy years to spend with my mother. Because if I am a wonderful mother myself, it is all thanks to this woman who showed me exactly how to be one by being the best role model there is. 

Thank you mom. 

I love you endlessly.

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A crazy errand running, insane plan executing, and physically exhausting party to plan.

I have been busy the past few days, preparing for a surprise intimate birthday party for the husband. He turns thirty-four today, and this is just my second time attempting a surprise for him in the whole seven years we have been married. See, it's never easy doing up a surprise when you live under the same roof, and well... I just really suck at keeping surprises secret for too long. The excitement just catches up with me!

This intimate party was a crazy errand running, insane plan executing, and physically exhausting one even though it was a relatively simple party to begin with. Thing is, I have two toddlers driving me up the wall the whole time. I brought both boys with me, one in a pram, the other walked free. We went into the cake shop, first child wants to pee. We went to the supermarket, and the second child needed a change of diaper. Then there were the decor supplies I needed to buy, and the first child needed to pee AGAIN. The whole time had me running to the washroom a total of five times in the short span of an hour and a half. I succumbed to finally buying a packet of biscuits with chocolate to dip in for the boys, and that ended in another disaster because the little one decided to have his whole face smeared with chocolate. Still I continued going around running my errands with a chocolate monster in the pram, and another monster running loose. Did I mention that I had to push a pram whilst carrying like a million other things as well as holding the hands of my toddler? That was just the errand running and as if it was not enough...

I came home, attempted to put up the decor with two screaming toddlers who were fighting over every possible toy. Then came the yelling for more sweets (serves me right for even thinking that sweets could provide me some sort of peace!) which then contributed to their hyperactivity and what not. The kids took every opportunity to get their fingers onto the hung up decorations, and I tried my best to keep them away which failed miserably. My last resort was to surrender my iPhone which kept them occupied for a mere fifteen minutes (I think!) before all hell broke loose again.

It's amazing how the love for the husband and the determination to give him a good 34th birthday surprise kept me sane throughout the chaos. I am still sane, though my back hurts and my feet are exhausted... but seeing the husband's eyes light up when he came home to our surprise was definitely worth all that. I must give a pat on my back for successfully pulling a surprise party on my own, with two kids to handle! I guess love pushes you to do things that are beyond your capability sometimes, yes?

Happy wonderful Birthday to the amazing husband I am thankful for,

and the fantastic father the boys are blessed with!

Oh, spare me these moms!

My husband always said, women have big issues with their own kind. I agree and that is why I do not have much female friends, I would really rather hang out with the boys from back then in school and till today. I find boys so much easier to communicate with, and you know... they just do not take things too personal. Women relationships tend to be a little tad more sensitive and well, complicated.

However since I became a mom, it's like the norm to actually mix along with the ladies who are fellow mommies. I am fine with that, given that I fall under the new mom category who would appreciate a bit of child talk with women who share the same experiences. So yes, I have gained a lot more lady friends since I have stepped into the world of motherhood. While it can be a win-win situation to have more mommy friends (ie. more playdates, more info, more help), there are some "moms" that I really appreciate not getting too close for comfort. These are the PCDOJ Moms as I would like to term them.

Most of us are protective mothers, we protect our children from harm, and we protect our children from being hurt. Protection is definitely a natural maternal instinct, but there really is a limit to how much we should protect our children. There is a fine thin line drawing between protective and over-protective.

Eg1. P-mom feeds child organic food. She brings her child to a birthday party and starts fussing about the food being unhealthy, inorganic, non-nutritiousness. P-mom then stops her child from eating any food served from the party, and proceeds on giving the hosts a talk on the importance of serving good healthy food.

Eg2. P-mom carries infant in her sling while at a friend's housewarming event. Other guests come up to P-mom and says "oh how cute she is. Can I carry her?" P-mom turns her child away and says "Oh I am so sorry, but my child doesn't like strangers"

Then comes competitive mothers. This is something we all cannot run away from in this dog-eat-dog world. Naturally when we get pregnant, we are all anxious to know of mommies who are in the same pregnancy stage as us so as to share knowledge, stresses and basically just to feel that you are not alone in this. However, as we move along to having had our child, and our child's early years, these are the same anxious parent friends who are going to bombard you with questions like "Have your child rolled yet? Oh mine has! How come yours haven't done so?" And trust me, keep these friendships and the questions will go on until, "Has your son been enlisted to NS? Oh which unit? What rank? Aiya Civil defence only ah? Mine's in the navy leh."

Basically whatever your child can do, their child can do better.

These are the "jump down your throat if you say anything bad about my child" type. And I wouldn't say badmouth a child, but a simple comment about the child may get you into a whole lot of trouble. These are the same moms who would live by theories of parenting just to prove their point of right in their choice of parenting style instead of simply trusting their maternal gut.

Eg1. D-mom is being told her child seems to experience a little stranger anxiety. D-mom goes home, reads up an encyclopedia of social behavior in children, and states her case the next time she sees the same friend who made that remark. "Dr Sears says that my child is perfectly normal, she is NOT anti-social and there really is no need for socializing at her age! The most important bond is between her and myself, and I make on-the-spot decisions on what works best for both me and my baby. So I adopt attachment parenting, and my child is growing up fine". 

Okay, back off my friend. All you said was the child seemed a little anxious with strangers! Geez, lighten up yes?

Other examples would include teachers telling parents on autistic or ADHD tendencies in their children, to which parents will rebutt "There is nothing wrong with my child. He is fine at home under my care!"

Obsessive moms are the funniest of the lot. Perhaps all of us have been there, done that before. Especially so for first time mothers. We go ga-ga over every first milestone, and we simply want to shout out to the world how cute our baby is! That is perfectly normal. But bear in mind, when at functions, you do not have to hog the limelight with every detail of your child. Give others a chance to show off their children too! It's a mom trait, we all want to share how wonderful having a child and being a mother is. Share the limelight, and the world would be a better place!

Also, know your target audience. If you are around people who do not have children, or are not interested in children, the last thing they want to hear is how you spent the last 5 months through motherhood, and how traumatizing your labor was.

Last but not least, we have my least favorite type of moms. JUDGMENTAL moms. Judgmental people are already quite a nuisance, but judgmental moms are a million times worse. These moms judge other moms on every issue deemed important in the encyclopedia of mom-hood.

"So, you mean you went through C-section/Elective C-Section? Gee, mothers who go through natural birth are those who really go through the real idea of motherhood! We are the ones who went through pain for our children!" What do you know about the pain of labor? All u did was to go through an operation."

"You don't breastfeed? But don't you want the best for your child? Breastmilk is the best for your child! Only a mother who breastfeeds develops a close bond with the baby, you don't know what you're missing out."

"SAHMs are mothers who truly want the best for their children. Mothers who work are vain and selfish!"

"Sahms don't do much for their kids. oh please, all they do is stay at home!"

"Look at that mom, she is screaming at her child in public. I should teach her a thing or two about gentle parenting!"

Oh spare me the holier-than-thou crap please. You do your mom thing, and I'll do mine, okay?

                                                                                 ----

Having said that, I still appreciate my mom friends. I love those who can take a joke or two knowing how we all either fall into one category or another at times. But if you are the kind of mom who falls into all the categories at a single time, then well.... I wouldn't be organizing that play date with you after all!